Superman Returns is a summer blockbuster. Chances are, you won’t be bored.

But if… if you find your mind wandering during the film, here are ten things you can do to pass the time:

  1. Count just how many actresses would have been better candidates for the role of Lois Lane than Kate Bosworth. Let’s see… Evangeline Lily, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Natalie Portman, Keira Knightley, Scarlet Johansson, Sarah Polley, Romola Garai, or hey… Parker Posey!
  2. Count how long it takes between the moment Clark Kent arrives back at the Daily Planet and the moment that Lois Lane’s life is in jeopardy for the first time. Something tells me his presence is somehow correspondent with life-threatening crises.
  3. Try to find some chemistry between Routh and Bosworth.
  4. Start guessing the many and varied headlines for articles in which Christian film critics hyperventilate with joy over the fact that they’ve noticed that Superman is a Christ-figure. It’s just so much better when movies come loudly broadcasting an obvious parallel with the gospel. That way we don’t have to do any thinking or interpreting for ourselves…
  5. Weep yet again over the fact that Singer left his fantastic X-Men franchise.
  6. Ask yourself who portrayed more acting prowess in their big adventure-film debuts: Brandon Routh or Hayden Christensen.
  7. Try to remember when Pirates of the Caribbean 2 is opening.
  8. Say to yourself, “It’s halfway through 2006. Do I have a Top Ten yet?”
  9. Count this film’s phallic symbols. My goodness.
  10. Think about all of the crises in this film that Superman could avert if he just did that Turn-Back-Time trick.

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