New column: Condemnation by Conny!

Tim Allen, who has yet to receive his lifetime achievement award at the Oscars, is so funny. That’s why I own every episode of Home Improvement on DVD.

But alas, it appears he is being sucked into a Satanic cult. His new film The Shaggy Dog is a piece of New Age propaganda.

In spite of breathtaking cinematography, spellbinding music, and first-rate actors, The Shaggy Dog plays like a tribute to subversive occultic movies, like anything coming from the East, where real Buddhists walk around openly on the streets.

Buddhism is a religion of polytheism. This comes from the root word “poly,” from which we get words like “polyester” and “polyps.” One of my colleagues tells me that Buddhism is “very popular in Asia.” It teaches that we don’t have souls, and that all creatures are equal, including animals.

Thus, by showing us that Tim Allen can turn into a dog, these Buddhists are trying to teach us that dogs are as good as conservative Republican evangelical humans. (Dogs might be better than leftist Democrat fascists, but, come on!)

Eastern teachings are false. Not only are they false, but they are also lies. And on top of that, they aren’t true. And I should also add, they are contrary to Christianity. I also believe that Christ would not approve of them. And that they are wrong. And false.

I should point out that the film’s problems begin right at the start: The first scene takes place in Tibet. As if that isn’t enough, we see American soldiers there… stealing a dog. This betrays the anti-American sentiments rampant in Hollywood today.

But stealing is not on my checklist of “Sins That Are Really Dangerous,” so I won’t dwell on that. My real objection to the film is its portrayal of meditation. Although the film doesn’t openly claim that the Buddhist belief in reincarnation is true, it does say that meditation is a good idea. Jesus would never approve of meditation.

To be fair, the film does portray that family is a good thing, and fortunately, there are no gays in the family, so at least Hollywood put THAT agenda on the shelf for a while, maybe waiting for the whole Brokeback Mountain thing to settle down. But mathematically, there are fewer positive elements than negative elements, which means this film adds up to something evil.

This is a real shame after seeing Tim Allen turn out a timeless classic like Christmas with the Kranks. There was a film that kept the “Christ” in “Christmas.”

All good films are family films, but any decent human being will be bored and offended and disgusted by this piece of Eastern contagion dressed up as family entertainment, in spite of its extraordinary craftsmanship.

And that’s why I give it the film an “A” (Abomination from Satan).